My Childhood ....

My Journey: From Abandonment to Rebellion and Transformation

Early Childhood: A Life Without a Mother (0-13 years)

For the first 13 years of my life, I felt like an abandoned child. I never knew who my mother was, why she left, or where she was. My childhood was filled with envy as I watched other children enjoy the presence of their mothers, who packed their lunches, did their hair, and attended parent-teacher meetings. My father was often absent, consumed by work, and I seldom saw him. He was usually asleep when I left for school and came home after I had gone to bed. The only tender memory I have is of him covering me with a blanket and kissing my forehead at night.

The Struggle for Attention

Growing up, I constantly sought my father's attention. I felt I had to compete with his girlfriends, who occupied most of his time. My grandparents were my primary caregivers and doted on me, but their love couldn't replace the affection I craved from my parents. Seeing other children with their parents made me jealous and led me to cry alone. I became selfish, resenting my father's relationships. I rebelled by not completing assignments, hoping it would force him to notice me. Unfortunately, this only led to scoldings and canings, the few times I had his undivided attention.

Finding Solace in the Universe

When conflicts at home became too overwhelming, I would run to the playground with my doll, crying under the moon and stars. My grandfather always found me and brought me home. Despite the pampering from my grandparents, I couldn't shake off the feeling of being unloved by my parents. My grandfather was my constant companion, taking me everywhere, even to his work. He was tough but loving, and I was the only one who could bring out his gentle side. My grandmother was my protector, always cooking for me and standing up to my father when he disciplined me.

The Arrival of a Sibling and the Onset of Rebellion

At 13, my father remarried, and my brother Joshua was born. As the eldest grandchild in a traditional Chinese family, he received all the attention. Feeling neglected, I began to rebel, avoiding home and engaging in smoking, fights, and other delinquent behaviors. An incident at school where I was caught smoking led to a public slap from my father, escalating my rebellion. I was sent to live with my mother, a woman who was a stranger to me. Her attempts to impose rules clashed with my defiant nature, and I soon ran back to my grandparents' home.

Escalation and Consequences

My teenage years were marked by escalating rebellion. I indulged in a carefree, reckless lifestyle, often clashing with my family. Despite outward appearances, I was stubborn, temperamental, and selfish. My actions culminated in a police incident, and for the first time, I saw my father cry. He expressed his disappointment, having hoped I would grow up independently and responsibly. His tears didn't immediately change me, but they planted a seed of realization.

Dropping Out and the Aftermath

I managed to pass my N’ Level exams but dropped out of school shortly after starting Secondary 5. My father, frustrated with my behavior, told me not to waste his money if I didn't want to study. I agreed and left school the next day, diving deeper into a rebellious lifestyle. I worked in pubs, KTVs, and restaurants, living with friends and drifting through life without direction. This period of my life was characterized by a series of poor decisions and a lack of purpose.

To be continued....